Thirteen
by PaperFrames
Summary: Four snapshots, excerpts if you will, of the thirteen year up and down relationship between one stubborn detective, and one relentless ADA. "I love you, Olivia Benson. I love everything about you . . . You just have to stop running from me and let me love you."


A/N: I tried my best to follow the timeline laid out by the show with episode mentions/events, which is why there's years included before each excerpt. If I flubbed a little, i'm sorry! I actually shouldn't have even been writing this, but this is what happens when you are procrastinating research papers.

Oh god this is way too long to be a one shot, but I can't bare to break it up. I think chapters would mess up the flow. Tell me differently if you must! Also, I'm a hardcore E/O shipper, but I've always seen something between Olivia and Alex, so I ship it. Sue me. Actually you can't. So essentially that's my way of saying: No flames. If you don't like the pairing loves, don't read.

This is un-beta'd, so I apologize for any mistakes! I think i've caught all the glaring ones, though.

Once again, if you opened this expecting Scandal, i'm sorry. Don't worry, I have something in the works for that.

Lyrics are from by Yuna, and the song is called Tourist.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my macbook.

* * *

**Thirteen**

_I guess I'll hang around a little while, while you here_  
_No, I don't feel like being somewhere else_  
_I guess I wouldn't mind to fall in love a little bit_  
_Ouch, I think I fell a little more_

[2001]

Shock.

A look of complete and utter shock crosses Olivia's countenance, and her mouth drops open. She's certain that her ears are playing tricks on her that her hearing's gone; the effects of too many gun shots in close range without the proper protection.

But just for clarification, she swallows – her throat like sand paper, and whispers in a voice she doesn't recognize, "You what?"

"I'm in love with you." The blonde sitting across from Olivia repeats, and Olivia's chest explodes in elation as she tries to keep her features neutral. She needs to process the information she's just been given before she even thinks of reacting.

She's loved. Someone actually loves her. Someone is actually in love with her. And not just someone, but someone she loves back – someone she never thought she could fall in love with; someone who she had originally viewed as just a distraction from the monotony of her every day life. Nothing serious.

"I know – I know that I'm the first woman you've ever been with, and I didn't want to scare you, but I can't – I can't keep going out with you and touching you, and making love to you," the blonde continues, and she's shaking now, Olivia can see that she's trying not to cry, "Just to watch you walk off with some guy when you finally get bored. When you've finally done enough exploring. So I had to tell you, I had to tell you how I felt."

Olivia swallows hard and a lump rises in her throat, her eyes downcast, and suddenly she can't remember how to speak. She's only ever told two people that she loved them before: her mother who didn't return the sentiment, and a boyfriend who was old enough to be her father, and who'd jumped ship immediately after. Fear takes hold of her and she freezes. She freezes as if she's never in her life spoken before.

The sound of a chair sliding across the floor breaks Olivia from her thoughts, and she looks up, her brown eyes finally matching the fiery blue ones that gaze back at her. They're so beautiful, and bright, and Olivia's often spent hours staring into them, but she only has seconds now.

"I knew this was a mistake. I'm – I'm going to go."

And before Olivia has a chance to gain her bearings, she's alone at the table and the resounding click clack of heels against hardwood reverberates through her mind.

Seconds later Olivia rushes to her feet, reaches for her wallet and throws enough cash down to cover whatever it was they that ate, and leaves the restaurant. She hopes she's not too late.

A familiar mane of shoulder length blonde hair whips against the wind as Olivia spots her, hailing a taxi. As a taxi pulls to the side of the road, Olivia's feet take over, pushing propelling her forward as she works over the words she wants – no needs to say – in her mind. The blonde's hand is on the door handle when Olivia's wraps around it to stop her.

"Olivia, what are you doing? I've made my peace and I want to –"

"I'm in love with you too, Alex."

Alex's eyes go wide and fill with tears. She gasps, and a smile crosses her face. "What did you say?" She asks, lawyer instincts clicking in and she needs clarification, reassurance.

"I said I'm in love with you, too." Olivia punctuates her point by leaning forward and capturing Alex's lips between her own. She's soft at first, gently massaging Alex's lips with her own, as she reaches up to cup Alex's face and bring it closer to hers. Her softness soon turns into desperation, however, as she realizes the admission she'd just made. She's opened herself up to love, _and_ to the possibility of heartbreak. The mere thought of the latter shakes Olivia to her core as she pulls back from Alex. They're both smiling, but inside Olivia is scared shitless, terrified.

The cab driver honks his horn and screams something unintelligible out the window and Alex nods her head in the cabs direction, opening the door and beckoning for Olivia to get in next to her.

* * *

_I'm just a little bit love ridden_  
_I'm falling in to you_  
_I'm just another tourist making stops, but it's clear_  
_No, I'll never leave without you_  
_Tell another story of love and loss and fear_  
_No, we have another night to kill_

[2005]

They have one night together before Alex is set to testify against Liam Connors, the assassin who'd been hired to cut Alex down in her prime. It's been a bit over two years since they've been able to speak to each other; to really see each other, and Olivia can't help but smile wide as the door closes shut on Elliot and she's left alone with Alex.

Alex is dressed in her pajamas and she's staring out the window, her blue eyes glued to the city landscape. Olivia approaches her, wanting so desperately to take Alex in her arms and hold her tightly. She's missed her. Sonofabitch she's missed her. Life without Alex has been lonely, tiresome and hard. Every day Olivia wakes and she reaches for her phone to call someone who can't answer, to talk to a person who is technically dead.

They share some small talk for a few moments. Alex tells Olivia how badly she wants the hotel windows to open so she can smell the city, about her fears of taking the stand as a witness, and not as a lawyer. Olivia reassures her the best she can and discreetly slips her a write up on Connor. Alex thanks Olivia with a half smile, one that is full of sadness and doesn't quite reach her eyes.

Both women stare out at the city for a few moments before Alex speaks, breaking the comfortable silence they shared.

"I met a man, and when we're together I don't miss you as much," Alex whispers and Olivia feels her heart drop to her knees. She's been hanging onto the hope that eventually all of this would be resolved soon, and that they'd be reunited, but at Alex's words, Olivia's heart begins to fracture.

"He thinks my name is Emily and he works in adjustment claims. His body is warm next to mine at night, and I like it when he holds me," Continues the exiled prosecutor; she's crying now. "I like it, but . . ."

She doesn't get the chance to finish her thoughts because Olivia's hand is raised, signaling that she can't listen to any more. "You fell in love with him, I didn't expect you –"

"I like him, I like the way his heartbeat sounds, and I like the way it reassures me that I'm not alone because I'm so alone, Olivia. And I like the feel of his body – "

"Alex, I can't listen to you talk about how he touches you, not when I want to be the one touching you."

"You can't tell me you've been celibate for damn near three years, Liv." Her voice comes out in a hiss, and is harsher than she'd expected it. Olivia recoils slightly and she turns her back on Alex, trying to force a set of unshed tears away before she turns back to the terrified blonde standing next her.

"No, I haven't." Olivia answers truthfully as she presses a hand to the glass and stares at her own reflection before letting her eyes fall to the ground. She's been with a handful of guys since Alex has been gone, and she's even tried dating another woman, but sexual gratification is all she's gotten from them. "But I haven't fallen in love with anyone else."

"That's just it, Liv. I haven't fallen in love with him. If you'd pull your head out of your ass for one moment and let me speak," the normally composed and languid, proper diction Alex used broken as she cuts straight to the chase, "you'd see that my body needs him, _my heart needs you_."

Olivia's head whips up, and she stares at Alex's reflection in the glass. She's fighting to find the right words to speak, the right words to say when Alex turns towards her and places her hand atop the one Olivia has resting on the glass. The blonde intertwines their fingers and pulls the brunette towards her until their foreheads are pressed together.

"I still love you, Liv."

Olivia swallows hard and she nods, trying to force the tears building in her eyes back. "I still love you, too." She tells Alex as she untangles their hands and wraps her arms around Alex's waist, bringing their bodies closer. Her fingers work in tiny ministrations across the dip of Alex's lower back and she takes a deep breath in, mentally focusing on the hum of Alex's breathing and the way the other woman felt in her arms. She wants to memorize every inch of the woman in front of her, from the curve of her spine, to the feel of the silky blonde strands tied back with a piece of flimsy black elastic.

It's been too long since they've traced the soft curves of each other's bodies and while Olivia knows she is technically on duty, she can't stop her body from responding to Alex's touch as Alex begins to reciprocate Olivia's actions by letting her own hands trail up Olivia's sides slowly.

"We don't have to do this, Alex," whispers the brunette, she inhales quickly and her fingers stop their movement. She brings a hand to blonde's chest and rests her palm flat against the rise of her bosom, feeling her heart beating. "It's just enough to be able to feel you, to know you're alive."

A knowing smile of sadness and relief flits across the former prosecutors lips and a couple of tears fall from her bright blue eyes and she nods. Her hands journey down to Olivia's waist and the world around them comes to a halt, a stand still; time is not on their side, but that doesn't stop them from staring a lifetime into each other eyes.

They make love four times that night, trying desperately to sum of years of regret, feelings, unspoken words, and love into their actions. Afterwards they lay in bed together. Alex tells Olivia once more just how frightened she is, and Olivia holds her tight, peppering Alex with loving kisses and sweet nothings of reassurance. She tells Alex that Casey is like a shark who smells blood in the water and isn't afraid to push all the wrong buttons in the right moments to make a suspect unravel. Alex just nods and reaches for the file on the night stand, lawyer mode kicking as she studies Olivia's notes.

Two days later, the case has been won, Elliot and Olivia's jobs are safe, and the whole team is gathered in Casey's office to surprise Alex and Antonio. Olivia's all smiles and she can see hope on the horizon. Finally she can have the woman she loves back.

When Casey's office door bangs open, however, she's only greeted with an apology and the news that Alex is being moved, again.

Liv silently chastises herself for foolishly thinking that everything would be over just because Connor's was going away. The Colombian drug cartel had power, reach, and influence. She'd let the possibility of a fairy tale make its way into her thoughts and now here she is. In that moment her heart shatters and she's desolate. She takes a sip of her champagne, the smile on her face taut and forced as she comes to terms with the fact that she's in love with a ghost.

* * *

_Hanging on to nothing_  
_I'd do it all again_  
_Stay where you are now_  
_Oh no I've said too much_  
_Got both feet in_  
_My dear you fear too much_

[2010]

A loud knock resounds against the wood pane of Olivia's apartment door and it wakes her from a sex and cabernet induced slumber. Dean Porter's arm is flung over her midsection and they're both naked. He snores loudly and Olivia rolls her eyes, half at the sound and half at her current predicament. He'd treated her like shit only weeks ago, deeming any feelings between them as irrelevant, but in her wine and sorrow induced haze she'd found herself sliding her fingers across her phone and dialing his number, having known that he was in Manhattan to retrieve some cold case files. She'd been angry and hurt and had found absolution in giving her body to someone who didn't deserve it, a quirk she thought she'd given up in college.

The knocking grows desperate, erratic, and Olivia slithers out of Dean's hold. He grumbles gruffly and she curses herself for letting him fall asleep in her bed. All she'd wanted was a good fuck from him, and then to be alone. She grabs her robe off the back of her bedroom door and heads toward the source of the knocking.

"Olivia Jayne Benson, I know you're in there!" An all too familiar voice screams through the wood paneling, and Olivia takes a deep breath. "Liv, please. Let me explain!"

"Explain what, Alex?" Olivia grates through clenched teeth as she opens her door. They'd already done this song and dance the day before, when Alex first told Olivia she was leaving again. "You're leaving – again. End of story. Good-bye." Olivia moves to swing her front door shut, but Alex's booted foot stops her.

"Can I just explain?"

"Go away, Alex."

"No." Alex declares defiantly, she pushes on the door, and shoves past Olivia, into her apartment. "I told you I loved you – me leaving isn't going to change that fact."

"And why wouldn't it, Alex? It took you three years to even tell me you were back in the first place, and I'd only found out because I saw you were getting married! Now you're running off to save the goddamn world again. Where does that leave me? What am I suppose to do, stay behind and wait for you? Again? Maybe this time you'll come back with a husband and kids."

"We're not having this conversation about Robert again, Olivia. I already told you why I did what I did. I just. Just please let me –" Before Alex has a chance to finish her words a half dressed Dean Porter emerges from Olivia's bedroom. He's wearing his black slacks and nothing else.

"Liv, s'everything alright?" He asks as his eyes flicker between the two women.

_Damn it, Porter. Why couldn't you have been like any other of my one-night stands and just screwed me and left?_ Olivia grates internally as she closes her eyes and rubs her forehead in frustration and confusion. She sighs heavily and finds herself at a lost for words.

The woman she's been in love with for years just caught her – almost literally – with her pants down. An incessant pounding begins to build between Olivia's temples. The room goes silent, but only for a moment.

A dark chuckle rips from Alex's throat, creating dissonance and breaking the silence. The blonde nods knowingly as she surveys the scene around her, there's discarded men's clothing strewn about the apartment and Olivia's wrapped in her fluffy robes, her hair is disheveled, and her lips are swollen.

"I see." Alex comments as her blue eyes go icy and she looks Dean Porter up and down, from head to toe. She wants to rip his throat out.

"Alex." Olivia whispers, the throbbing between her temples intensifying.

"You won't return my phone calls, you won't talk to me like an adult, but you'll screw the first thing that slimes your way?"

"Excuse me." Dean interjects, but Alex's attention remains glued to Olivia.

"I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? Olivia, what's going on?"

Olivia shakes her head and tears pool in her eyes, but she doesn't correct or answer either Alex or Dean. _What's going on?_ She repeats to herself. _What's going on is I only fucked you to get back at my girlfriend for leaving. I only fucked you because I wanted to forget for five minutes the shit hole my life is in and live on raw feeling._

Before Olivia has a chance to respond, however, Alex is sprinting about the apartment, anger radiating off of her as she collects the discarded menswear that litters the floor along with the wallet and cellphone on the coffee table in front of the couch. She swings Olivia's front door open and dumps the contents of her arms just outside the threshold of the brunette's apartment.

"Get out." Alex damn near growls as she pushes her long blonde locks from her face. She spots a pair of men's shoes by the front door and grabs them as well, tossing them out the door. They hit the hallway with a resounding thud, and land amongst the rest of Dean's things.

Dean watches clearly amused, though nothing about Alex's actions suggestions she's playing games in the slightest. "Look, blondie," he starts, propping himself against Olivia's doorframe. "I'm not going anywhere until Olivia tells me too. I am enjoying the theatrics, though."

"Get. Out." There's an anger and fire to Alex's voice, one that is usually reserved for the courtroom.

"When Olivia tells me to."

"NOW!" Alex shouts, and her composure is gone.

"Just leave, Dean, please." Olivia interjects quickly, finally finding her words. She wants them both to leave right now. She wants them both to go so she can collapse on her couch and cry herself to sleep.

Dean nods, shaking his head and chuckling lowly. "Do me a favour, Olivia, next time you're having a tiff with your – with whatever this is, leave me out of it." And with that he's buttoning his trousers, and heading towards her front door. He grabs his stuff and before he even has a chance to walk back inside the apartment and dress, Alex slams the door shut in his face.

"Why did you sleep with him, Olivia? Why?" Alex implores, rounding on Olivia, her voice thick with tears.

"I want you to leave, too, Alex."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"That's none of your business, Alex. Leave."

"No, Olivia. I'm not leaving."

"I can't keep doing this with you, Alex!" Olivia screams in frustration, she storms off and into her living room. "I can't keep waiting for you and loving you just to get fucked over in the end! Get out!" She runs her hands through her brown locks and takes a step back, into her kitchen.

"Stop running from me, Olivia! I'm not letting Dean" she sneers his name, "become a wall between us. You're not locking me out. Yes I'm leaving, Liv, but I won't be gone forever. I'm coming back. I always come back. You're my anchor, Olivia; I'm tied to you!"

"Your words are sweet nothings, Alex. You've been in and out of my life now for ten years and I finally want you out for good." Olivia spouts, venom in her voice, though her words lack conviction. She folds her arms across her chest defensively.

"No."

"Alex."

"I said no, Olivia. Sleep with whoever you want, tell me whatever lies you need to tell yourself, but I'm not letting you walk away from me."

"Alex!"

"Marry me."

"What?"

"I said marry me. I'm selfish, stubborn, and uncompromising 99% of the time. You're bullheaded, brash, and too independent for your own good. So much so that I can't stand it, but I love you. And you love me. You could sleep with half of Manhattan to spite me, to push me away, and I'd still be standing right here. I'm _not_ leaving _you_. Just, marry me."

"No."

"Olivia."

"Damn it, Alex." Olivia cries out and she crosses her living room, and throws herself down on the couch. Tears flow freely from her eyes and she tries hard to keep them in, but they won't stop. She's spent so much time stitching her shredded heart back together only to have Alex rip it to pieces, some times intentionally – other unintentionally, time and time again.

Olivia runs her hands through her medium length locks and sighs. She's tipsy and raw with emotion. The taste of cabernet still sits on her lips, and the feel of Dean pressed between her thighs is fresh in memory. She knows that she smells like sweat and sex, but can't be bothered to care. Her heart is pieces, her eyes are red, and her throat is scratchy as she chokes on her own tears.

"I can't keep losing you." Olivia whispers, her bottom lip quivering. Alex is next to her in seconds, intertwining their hands, and pressing a chaste kiss to Olivia's temple.

"I _am_ coming back, Liv. Just like you have to work at SVU, this is something I have to do, too. I love you. I just need you to understand that, Liv. I will come back; I always come back for you. This time I'd like to come home to my wife." Alex concludes her statement by bringing a shaky hand to Olivia's face. She swipes a thumb under each of Olivia's dark toffee flecked eyes to dry the brunette's tears, and then kisses her lightly on the lips.

"I love you, too, but –"

"But nothing, Liv. Give us a chance. I'm not leaving because I'm walking away from you. I'm going to the Congo to help women who don't have a voice. I'm going because you taught me to be fearless, Olivia, and I have to go teach them how to be fearless, too." She thumbs the golden chain around Olivia's neck that reads _Fearlessness_.

Olivia bites at her bottom lip and swallows. She nods as her brown locks fall into her face and she squeezes Alex's hand. "Can you forgive me for tonight?" Olivia asks, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "I slept with him to get back at you and it was stupid and childish, and-"

"And I deserved it. I deserved to be hurt. I waltzed back into town, no explanation, no warning and expected you to drop everything for me. I'm sorry. Just please, don't do it again."

Olivia's bottom lip quivers and she chokes back a sob, nodding at Alex's behest. Combating years of flight instincts as a way to resolve issues needed to come to an end, and maybe with Alex by her side, she could do it.

"It's okay, Liv. It's all okay." Despite the lingering smell of Dean Porter clinging to her skin, Alex wraps her arms around Olivia and holds her tightly. She brushes a hand through Olivia's brown locks and kisses the top of her head.

"Sweet nothings, Alex. I don't want our marriage to be sweet nothings. Promise me it won't be." Olivia mumbles against Alex's embrace.

"I promise."

* * *

_I'm just a little bit love ridden_  
_I'm falling in to you_  
_Crash through clouds and then we'll know_  
_Don't look back I want you so_  
_Love ridden_  
_I'm falling in to_  
_Love ridden_  
_I'm falling in to you_

[2013]

Like two teenagers uninhibited by the woes of the world, Alex and Olivia clasp hands tightly, clinging to each other as their skates slide across the ice. Olivia hasn't gone ice-skating since she was thirteen years old and she's almost forgotten how. More than once Alex has had to catch her. It's Christmas Eve at Rockefeller center and there's no one else Olivia would rather be spending her time with, even if it were bitter sweet. They've been married just shy of three years and are currently in the throes of a legal separation.

Old habits, especially self-destructive ones, died hard, and Olivia had found herself shrouded in loneliness the three years they'd officially been together. Alex had been gone longer than she was supposed to be, and when she came back she was the epitome of exhausted and worn. Her tenure with the ICC was only supposed to be a year, but Alex had taken an extra year, her savior instincts in full bloom. Olivia had felt neglected and abandoned, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy, she'd self-destructed. She'd cheated on Alex with David Haden, a member of the EADA, trading a thirteen-year on and off relationship for ten minutes of sexual gratification in a back stairwell. The regret had seeped in immediately afterwards, along with the realization that she'd destroyed something beautiful.

She'd destroyed Alex. The night David Haden had shown up at their apartment, roses and champagne in hand, Alex had found out everything. There'd been tears, screaming, and broken glass; apologies and endless 'I love yous.'

That'd been four months ago, and both women had decided to spend Christmas together, to see if anything was worth salvaging of their situation. And it felt like there could be something to salvage as they held hands and spun like teenagers until they were both dizzy.

"I haven't been ice-skating in years," Olivia grins, breathlessly as she clasps Alex's right hand for dear life as they come to a halt, the rink and world no longer spinning. "This was fun."

Alex nods, a smile tugging at her lips as she leads Olivia towards the exit/entrance of the rink. "I told you it'd be nice."

"You always did know how to loosen me up."

"Vis-à-vis, Liv."

A quietness falls between them as they wade through onlookers and head inside the building. They hold hands the entire way, their grasp strong yet soft. Once inside they find a vacant bench and take a seat. Alex lets go of Olivia's hand first and begins to unlace her skates. Olivia follows suit. They sit in silence for what seems like ever, when Alex speaks.

"I made us dinner. Well I actually bought us dinner. I didn't want to subject you to my horrendous culinary skills. How about we head back to our –the apartment and eat?"

Olivia nods and she feels tears swell in her eyes. The tears form partly due to the elation that Alex is trying, that she may want to save their relationship as much as Olivia's discovered she does, and partly due to Alex's slip of the tongue and subsequent correction. In the four months they'd spent apart, Olivia had returned to her old apartment. She discovered just how much the small shoebox size one time sanctuary made her feel truly alone. She'd missed the sound of Alex's soft snore, the smell of fresh coffee in the morning, or the shower going at night. Their separation was even worse than the years they'd spent apart when Alex had been in witness protection because this had been all of their own doing – Olivia's own doing.

"I'd like that." Olivia answers and she heads over to the lockers to retrieve both of their pairs of shoes.

\\\

Roughly thirty minutes later they sit across from each other, sharing a bottle of red wine over roaster asparagus, mashed sweet potatoes, and baked chicken. The conversations been light and the drinking heavy, at least on Olivia's end. She's preparing herself for the worst, even though she stubbornly hopes for the best as she thinks over the speech she's had prepared in her mind for the last week now.

_I'm a fucked up person, Alex. And we've both hurt each other. But now I'm the one standing here, begging you. Please don't end this . . . _

Before Olivia has the chance to speak, to lay all the contents of her heart open and bare, Alex speaks.

"How's the new partner holding up?" Alex questions as she takes a sip from her wine glass. Elliot's been gone for eight months now, and at first Olivia didn't even know if she could breathe without him.

"Nick's good. He's a good kid, he's a good partner." She answers, meaning the words. Nick is a good partner, he is a good kid, and some times she can forget that he isn't Elliot, but not time like this. Elliot would have told her to get her head out of her ass, to apologize, and to make things right.

"I'm glad. I was worried there for a while. I know Elliot was/is your best friend."

Olivia nods, swallowing the lump rising high in her throat. She can't quite bring herself to talk about Elliot, not after the way he left her, and even though they've made their peace, she can't help shake the taste of abandonment from her mouth. "Can we not talk about El right now, Alex. I actually wanted to talk about us."

Alex nods, her long, shoulder length blonde hair falls and rises in waves as she does.

"I wanted to talk about us, too. I just didn't wan to push you. You run when someone pushes you."

A frustrated sigh bounces from Olivia's lips and the brunette nods. The only thing she can think of is just how right Alex's last statement truly was. She runs; she's spent her life running so that she's not the one left behind when everything is said and done. It's a trait Olivia hates, but one she can't seem to shake, though she's fighting; she's trying.

"Don't worry about me like that, Alex. Please. I hate it when you worry about me because I don't deserve it. I fucked us up. We were finally on the right track and I fucked us up." Olivia grates, running a hand through her silky long brown locks.

Tears are forming in the corners of the blonde's blue eyes, "You weren't the only one, Liv. I did things I shouldn't have, and I should have been here for you when Elliot left. If I would have just been here for you and not-"

"Don't do that Alex, don't take the blame for my actions. Don't. I fucked Haden because it's who I am, I'm a fucked up person and I'm bullheaded. I felt abandoned on all sides and my answer was to find a way to feel alive – to just for a second again, and Haden, he'd been flirting with me, and making passes – and god, I don't even find him attractive. I just, I needed to feel wanted again. You were gone; Elliot left me."

"Liv." Alex attempts to interject, but Olivia's in detective mode, theorizing the reasons behind her own actions.

"And it was a stupid, impulsive decision."

"Liv."

"And if you can just find it in your –"

"Olivia!"

"What?" finally Olivia stops, her eyes go wide as she stares at Alex, breaths uneven as he bottom lip juts out; she's expecting the worst.

"I forgive you."

"You what?"

"I forgive you. I was mad at first; so mad I wanted to smack you. I do know that you could kick my ass in a heartbeat, but I wanted to hit you. I wanted to make you feel the pain I'd felt when I opened the door to that smarmy-faced Haden who just couldn't wait to get back into you pants with his liquor and his roses. I wanted you know how much my heart was breaking – had broken. And then I realized –"

"Haden meant nothing, Alex, he didn't." Olivia interrupts; Alex shakes her head, and then raises a hand, signaling for Olivia to stop.

"I realized how much pain I'd caused you over the years, intentional and unintentional. How much suffering and how I felt and why I felt that way when I cheated on Robert."

Tears are flowing in streams down Olivia's face as her heart flutters with relief; her hail Mary in a moment of desperation hasn't gone unanswered, and for the briefest of moments she considers changing her views on religion, or at least spirituality.

"Alex, you're the last person in this world that I ever wanted to hurt. And you forgiving me."

Both women are crying as they find their way to their feet and embrace. Olivia buries her head in Alex's shoulder and takes a deep breath in, the smell of honey and milk filling her nostrils as Alex's arms wrap around her neck. They exchange sweet nothings and cries of relief, knowing that they've still got a lot to discuss, but for now this is enough.

"I love you so much, Olivia Benson. I love everything about you. Your brashness, your bull headedness, the way you leave your bras hanging on the bathroom shower curtain; the way you always kiss me twice before you fall asleep. You just have to stop running from me and _let me love you_."

Olivia takes a deep breath in and pulls back from Alex, wiping at her eyes with a shaky hand. It's been thirteen years of ups and downs with the woman in front of her and she can't regret any of it. Broken hearts, bitter laughs, late nights, lovemaking. Thirteen years and she wouldn't trade a moment of it for anything.

"I love you too, Alex Cabot. I love the way you yell at the TV during cop shows, listing off everything that's wrong. I love the way you make me tea with ginger in it when I'm sick; how I love to reach out and just feel your body next to mine at night. And you have to know, Alex, that I'm trying. I am."

A smile crosses Alex's lips and she nods, knowingly. "I know you are, Liv. But you're not alone anymore. And I'm not leaving you." She punctuates her statement by kissing Olivia's forehead, and then her cheeks, where the tears run freely, before settling on her lips. After a few moments they pull apart and a light bulb goes off in Alex's head.

"I almost forgot, these came for us yesterday. It's the surprise that I briefly mentioned last night when I called." The leggy lawyer tells the detective as she steps back and walks over to the bookshelf on the other side of the dinning room. She grabs a manila folder and then heads back across the room and hands them to Olivia.

Wearily Olivia takes them, and although she knows they're not divorce papers, she still can't help but feel terrified as she takes them, opening them with the greatest of caution.

"We've been approved for adoption?" She gasps, more tears falling from her eyes as she fingers the paper between her digits.

"Yes, and there's a little girl right now from Detroit who needs a family."

"And we need her."

"Merry Christmas, Liv."


End file.
